First Time at a Dog Show

First time at a dog show, I'll tell you quite plain,
I'll never, no never, go back again.
The breeder said, "Show him", when I bought my dog.
I showed him alright, the whole place was agog.
They gave me a number, they gave me a pin,
But I couldn't bear to stick the thing in.
So I rushed to the shop and bought some clear glue,
And stuck the card onto his rear in the loo.

We arrived at the ringside to find we were first,
In the pup class (this was the worst).
We marched together as fast as was able,
Arrived at the judge who said, "Up on the table".

This really surprised me, my skirt was quite tight,
And I just couldn't make it, try hard as I might.
The judge looked quite worried. He said, "Listen here,
Put the dog on the table, not you, my dear".

By now I was trembling, I felt such a fool,
But I said to myself, "We'll just play it cool".

"How old", said the judge, I heard it quite clear,
Well, really, thought I . . . and said, "Thirty, next year".

The steward, poor fellow, threw a kind of fit,
He spluttered and coughed, his eyes ran a bit.
"I'd have that cough seen to," I said to him when,
He'd finally stopped . . . but started again.

"Once around the ring, dear, as fast as you can,"
Said the judge, so I just ran and ran.
But when I arrived (out of breath, I'll admit),
The judge said, "Your dog, dear", I felt such a twit.

Off round again, I kept my head bent.
Oh, the shame: my pup crouched and just went and went.
A lady came running, a bucket and spade,
With manure that spicy . . . has she got it made!

We came back to the judge, who said with a frown,
"Stand your dog". Said I,
"He's not laying down".

"You can take First Place Stand", he said.
I said, "HA".
What a job I had getting that stand in the car!

Taken from STC England 1993 Year Book

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From: "Jean Oconnor"
You know you've waited too long to find a mate when.....
- --you think stripping is something you do to a terrier
- --you meet a guy named Bob and instantly visualize purple and
gold rosettes
- --you think nothing about loudly discussing studs and bitches in
a fancy restaurant
- --the first thing you notice about a guy is what breed of dog he has
- --your biggest turn-off is a guy with an obnoxious untrained dog
- --you have ever ruled out a guy as a prospective date based on the
breed of dog he owns
- --you dismiss all the guys your mother introduces you to as "not
breeding quality"
- --you never could stick to a diet to impress a guy, but you can do
it to get through that TDX track
- --your only nice jewelry features either dogs, dumbells, or rosettes
- --you have a video on how to artificially inseminate your dog but
last watched a dirty movie in junior high school
- --when you talk about "scoring" you mean how you did at last
weekend's obedience trial
- --your dog has more letters after his name than the last ten guys
you've dated, and actually completed obedience school
- --you start using operant conditioning techniques to get what you
want from your boyfriend, and you won't let him read your copy of
"Don't Shoot The Dog"
- --you think that maybe your current guy has potential if you use the
proper combination of positive reinforcement and the occasional
well-timed ear pinch
- --you "people watch" at the mall by making mental lists of the
conformational faults each bypasser has to contribute to the gene pool
- --you think if you ever did marry and have children that you
wouldn't have to buy a playpen because you already have an extra
x-pen. And why buy a crib?? Crates are cheaper and they're enclosed on all sides.
- --you give all of your married friends child-rearing advice based
on your extensive background in dog training
- --your mother's worst fear is that you'll have a child and make it
wear a pinch collar
- --your mother's second worst fear is you'll get married and your dog
will be in the wedding party
- --you actually have friends whose dogs HAVE been part of the wedding party
- --when your cousin tells you how much her wedding costs you think
how many show-quality puppies that could buy you
- --all of your friends always include your dog in any invitation they
issue to you. Of course, you reciprocate because you only have
doggy friends left....the others have stopped inviting you places
because you insist on bringing the dog!
- --when you read the personal ads you skip past the vital statistics
and rule out any that don't say "animal lover"
- --you know your dog's cholesterol but not your own
- --when you lament to your friends about chronic yeast infections,
they don't know you're talking about your dog's ears
- --you last had a professional portrait done for your high school
graduation, but you just spent 50% of your dog's purchase price
having his done by the best canine photographer in the country
- --you and your dog use the same kind of hairbrush, and you never
can keep straight whose is whose
- --you spend 8 hours grooming your dog for a show the day before,
and 1.25 minutes ponytailing your hair the morning of.
- --you think that people with bad bites shouldn't be allowed to breed
- --your mother is ecstatic to see you browsing the aisle with the
hair coloring, after hounding you for three year to try
highlighting....only to be disappointed when she finds you are
looking for peroxide to "touch up" your Clumbers drool marks
- --when someone mentions single bars, you wonder if they are talking
about utility or agility jumps
- --when you go "clubbing", you have your choice of the all-breed club,
the specialty club, the obedience club, or the tracking club
- --you once made earrings out of old rabies tags, and all your
friends wanted a pair
- --your non-doggy friends can't understand why you're so excited
about your new TD


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